The strangest moments are sometimes the most beautiful ones.

Today, the CNBC TV 18 office was buzzing just before the cricket match was to begin. Several large screen TV’s had been put up and the toss had just happened. Everyone was scraping chairs around, collecting munchies, arguing, leaving, you name it. Others were actually working, holding meetings, typing away furiously. Everyone was in some state of movement.

Just before the match begins, they play the national anthem. I wasn’t aware of this. Not a fan of cricket, I was one of the furious typers, plugged into my pod, listening to The Killers. When the anthem actually began, I was in between songs so I actually heard it begin. As I ripped off the headphones to stand up, I noticed the 1500 strong workplace all leaping to their feet. For a busy buzzing media office, I have never heard this much silence.

For two minutes, no one moved. For two minutes everything was forgotten. For two minutes, my workmates stood up in respect for their country.

I love moments like this one.

Words can sting.

I learnt this after 20 coherent years of sarcasm running through my veins.

In my family and friends circle, I didn’t realize it because all of them viewed it the same way I did, as a form of humor. So most of the times I didn’t realize the people I was hurting. I was always the one who was considered to have the “’tude.”. That baffled me for the longest time. None of my friends could explain it to me because well, they all had it. The few who tried to mumbled apologetically about my tone, the voice, the language usage, saying I intimidated without realizing and that people who didn’t know me would always be a little apprehensive about me. I looked scary. But then the chorus would happen, “”But you’re so not like that. They don’t even know you. Why do you care what they think anyway? “Which was a point so I’d shrug my shoulders and move on with my life.

Today I was watching another team in action. The HOD is excessively sarcastic and highly amusing. He had witty repartees, amusing and was a skilled worker. But I guess others thought different.

She crouched on the floor, tear streaked eyes brimming. A member of his team. She was sobbing to her colleague about putting down her papers, as she couldn’t take his sarcasm. All this time, he thought she was cool. He didn’t even realize that she might take sarcasm as an insult and not in the good spirit everyone did. He was busy being clever, she was getting crushed. For him, it was a collective joke. For her it was humiliation.

Today’s when I understood what might have gone wrong. Today offered me a little bit of an insight to what may have transpired. I spoke to a few friends, some who went through their realization a while ago, some yet to reach it and today is when we realized, we may have hurt people. Unintentionally.

Tonight I might not sleep so well.

Some kinds of pain seem unbearable. That’s my learning for the day.

And the day isnt even over.

It doesn’t have to be anything dramatic like snapping a leg or losing a loved one. It’s the seemingly unrelated things. When you lose trust with someone, when someone you respect talks you down, when you love someone and it goes to waste. It hurts. A lot. It’s a mind numbing brain-shattering pain. In my worst moments, I often wish for a swimming pool filled with acid that I could dive into, just to drown out that pain. I think the feeling of my skin being scalded off my face; my hair being scorched into inky blackness and the burning blindness in my eyes would be far bearable to that one. I would joyously swim right to the bottom. Because at least I know that the acid pain will end. I’m never sure of the other kind.

What worse is that is hurt comes unexpected and stays, like an unwelcome grand aunt. One needs to nurse it out of one’s system. It goes eventually. But takes a little bit of you with it. You go back to life, knowing it’s going to be a little bit worse in some areas. And you pray that doesn’t happen. And you pray that your prayers are heard.

Anyone who has felt this way before, I feel for you. I pray your prayers come true.

Excuses Excuses

I had a viral and food poisoning. Have been out of action for a week. Sorry. Post coming up shortly.